I thought maybe I could stop.
I didn't really NEED the medicine.
That I had gotten "better" and the stress and anxious thoughts would not be as bad.
That the continuous spinning of the record player in my mind when somehow come to an altering stop.
One week later...
I was so moody, so stressed, so frustrated, and worried.
I called the nurse at my doctor's office.
I explained to her that I just couldn't do it. I needed the medicine.
I'll never forget her response.
"Well, I know it is hard. It is a disease, after all."
I guess I knew that, you know? I have GAD (general anxiety disorder), but it wasn't until that moment that I realized I couldn't function normally without being on medication. That reality slapped me right in the face.
That all happened a little over two years ago.
Over the past few weeks it has tried to rear its ugly head at me. It does that from time to time.
It is beyond frustrating. I'll have those small moments of whether I said the right thing, did I say it correctly, did I say something that irritated someone. I try my hardest not to let those emotions be visible. For those that don't know me well, they might see it in the wrong light or maybe not. I really don't know for sure.
In some ways, I often worry about how people will view me, primarily associated to my anxiety. I don't want their judgement. Yet, I am reminded that I am far too often judgmental towards others (I mean frankly, I like most people, but a lot of people annoy me, as well. The struggle is real.). However, I'm often reminded of what wise Atticus said to young Scout:
Life is already tough enough at times. There isn't any reason to had more to the mix, ya feel me?
Let me leave you with this:
Anxiety is a liar.
Judgement is a jerk.
So, remember to be kinder to yourself and to others.
I'm still working on both.
xoxo,
-N
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